What you say: “Hey, got a minute?”
What I hear: “You’ve pissed me off and I’m going to freak out on you.”
What I plan: Coffee with a friend.
What actually happens: An hour before we’re supposed to meet my social anxiety skyrockets and I cancel.
A normal business day: I schedule a sales call or in-person meeting.
What happens: I’m so upset before the meeting that I can’t eat or sleep because I’m imagining saying something stupid and embarrassing myself.
Anyone who suffers from social anxiety can relate. This isn’t just garden variety shyness. It’s a legitimate medical condition that can impair or even cripple your ability to interact with other people.
Here’s how the Mayo Clinic defines social anxiety:
- Fear of situations in which you may be judged negatively.
- Worry about embarrassing or humiliating yourself.
- Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers.
- Fear that others will notice that you look anxious.
- Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling or having a shaky voice.
- Avoidance of doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment.
- Avoidance of situations where you might be the center of attention.
- Anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event.
- Intense fear or anxiety during social situations.
- Analysis of your performance and identification of flaws in your interactions after a social situation.
- Expectation of the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation.
Physical signs and symptoms can sometimes accompany social anxiety disorder and may include:
- Blushing
- Fast heartbeat
- Trembling
- Sweating
- Upset stomach or nausea
- Trouble catching your breath
- Dizziness or lightheadedness
- Feeling that your mind has gone blank
- Muscle tension
Tell me about it.
It’s hard to nail down why people suffer from social anxiety. Factors can include family history, negative experiences like bullying or teasing, or you just may be a timid or withdrawn person by nature.
I didn’t always suffer from social anxiety. In my teens, I was always up for a party. In my twenties, I hit the bars and clubs every weekend. I had a large circle of friends, was always the first one on the dance floor, and enjoyed all the perks of being an extrovert. I even chose a career where my main function is talking to people. Now, the prospect of engaging in small talk with someone I don’t know literally gives me the butterflies, and my wariness makes it difficult to form friendships. Thankfully, my husband is also an introvert and understands that my need to not talk or be around others is not anti-social – it’s about self preservation.
Don’t get me wrong; I love people and care very much about what’s happening in the lives of my friends, family and even strangers. It’s social anxiety that prevents me from reaching out or attending get togethers. Recently, someone who I considered a trusted confidant ended our friendship because I didn’t attend an event that was important to her. At the time I was coping with a family crisis and it amped up my anxiety to such a high level that I went into withdrawal mode. This is the reality of social anxiety; sometimes people think you are ignoring them, that you’re selfish, that you’re unfeeling. How ironic. The problem is feeling too much. I certainly don’t blame her. In fact, I feel extremely guilty for letting her down.
Most experts treat social anxiety with therapy and medication. My message to fellow sufferers – do it! Cognitive behavioural therapy was a game changer for me. It taught me to recognize the skewed, unhealthy thoughts standing in the way of living a full life. I also learned valuable coping techniques that minimize – not eliminate – the impact those thoughts have.
I decided to write about this issue because it’s a condition that affects everyone to some degree. Who doesn’t worry about looking bad in front of other people or is sometimes anxious about attending a social event? The reality is it takes good old-fashioned moxie to power through those feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. I consciously remind myself that the disorder is lying to me, lift my chin, and forge ahead. 99.9% of the time I’m glad that I did. I enjoy great conversations with incredible people. I make new friends. Most importantly, I feel better about myself, and it builds my self confidence.
To people who suffer from anxiety – I hear you. You’re not a loser. You’re not a pariah, and you certainly are not alone. According to a 2022 study by the World Health Organization, 1 in every 8 people in the world live with a mental disorder. In 2019, 301 million people were living with an anxiety disorder, and those numbers have skyrocketed since the onset of the Covid-19 pandemic. My advice to you is commit to therapy and build your social muscles by reaching out to others at a pace that you can manage. Have a shower and push yourself to go for coffee with a trusted friend or relative. Smile and ask a cashier how their day is going. You’ll be surprised by how easy it really is and how good it makes you feel. If you’re struggling, self-talk can work wonders. More often than not it gives me the oomph I need to get through situations that I find intimidating.
You got this. Never give up.
