My name is Sabina, and I’m the co-owner of 705blackfly.com. In my last position, I was the producer of the news team for the award-winning morning show, Breakfast Television. In my personal life, I’m married to the world’s greatest guy, I have a stepson who makes me laugh, and a great support system around me. A successful career, a happy marriage, and loving friends and family – what more could anyone ask for?
I also live with chronic severe anxiety and depression. It’s a condition I’ve battled since I was a teenager, and I have accepted it as the dark shadow that follows me even in good times. I’ve done everything medical professionals have told me to do; I take my meds and practice the skills I learned in cognitive behavioural therapy. I pray daily, and in exceptionally difficult moments I remind myself that nothing, including pain, is forever. I’ve been very transparent about my illness with family, friends, and employers. I’ve even spoken about it with strangers so that others who are also suffering with a mental illness know that they are not alone.
It all sounds positive, but despite my best efforts, that veil of darkness has been down for almost a year now, and no matter how hard I push it away, it creeps back in and skews how I see the world. There are days when I feel that the universe is against me while other people are destined for good fortune, sunshine, and cotton candy. I hate those people sometimes.
Last year, I realized that my life has an almost predictable pattern of being low – then high – then low – then high. I’ve worked hard to correct the behaviours that contribute to that, but something extreme had to be done to get off this mental health roller coaster that I’ve been on for decades. I had to do something to manifest a life that is sustainable for the long-term. In short – it was time to ditch the drama.
To achieve that goal, my decisions have been drastic. Some would even say foolhardy. My husband, Mike, and I sold our cute little bungalow in Hamilton and moved to Magnetawan in March 2022 to escape a gruelling schedule that was slowly sapping our energy and quality of life. I’m sure many of you can relate – we spent more time working than living. The decision meant moving hours away from family and friends, and I was forced to resign from a job that I absolutely loved. By choice, I pressed the restart button on my life at the age of 50 with the goal of creating a reality that would silence the voice of depression once and for all.
However, depression or no depression, we have bills to pay. The thought of returning to a life of working, commuting, rushing to get groceries before the store closed, and never having time to actually enjoy life is even more depressing. The new reality I sought had the potential to be a carbon copy of my old reality if I didn’t play my cards right. If I failed, I had moved a heck of a long way for nothing! The only viable solution was to go out on my own. The prospect of starting a business, particularly one in a field as difficult and competitive as covering news and information, was terrifying. However, the prospect of being my own boss had appeal. I could tell the stories I want, how I want, and work from home with my dog, Gracie, giving me editorial input. It sounded like the perfect recipe for improving my mental health.
As excited as I am about starting 705blackfly.com, there is a downside to being independent. As someone who looks for instant gratification, the slow process of building our brand and establishing ourselves as a reputable source of information has been frustrating. Then there’s the difficult (Brutal! Impossible!) task of selling the product and earning a living while waiting for the business to blossom. There are days when I regret leaving the security of benefits and a bi-weekly paycheque. It’s on those days that depression and anxiety whisper their lies to me. You’re a failure. You’re not a good enough writer to make this work. You’re going to lose everything. Luckily, years of dealing with depression has taught me to recognize when the illness is feeding me BS, and I work my way through the negativity. It hurts. It takes time and effort. And it’s worth it.
In those moments I also remember why I had to grab hold of my life with both hands and purge the triggers to my depression. Sometimes you have to make bold decisions that scare the hell out of you, but that is better than condemning yourself to remaining in a situation that prevents you from finding peace and happiness. You only have one shot at life, so why not dive in with both feet? I firmly believe that every person is the master of his own destiny, but that doesn’t mean I expect the sunshine and cotton candy that I referred to earlier. Starting a small business is terrifying and sometimes I question my decisions; was I crazy to leave a well-paying job – with benefits – to come to a place where employment for journalists is practically non-existent and I have to watch out for moose when driving home?
The answer is no. I like moose. I like the people in my community. I like watching magnificent sunrises and sunsets every day, and I like eating dinner with my husband every night instead of just saying a quick hello as we pass each other at the front door. Compared to sleep deprivation and life passing me by in a blur of commuting, chores and responsibilities, I’d say that’s a big win.
One last note about why 705blackfly.com is such a personal project, and why I’m pushing through my mental health issues to succeed. The site was launched on September 1st, 2022. That date was chosen for a special reason; my much-loved dad, David Foo, passed away September 1st, 2019. Chasing my dream and pushing through the hard days is how he would want me to use the lessons about hard work and perseverance that he instilled in me. I can practically see him smiling right now.
